Is Xenu for You? Find Out With a Free Stress Test!

Thanks to Tom Cruise, almost everyone not living under a rock has heard of the Church of Scientology. I've heard it ridiculed, I've seen the "Free Stress Test" people, and I know a small amount about it (basically that it is based around the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard - a former sci-fi author, there are some strange ideas and practices surrounding it, they don't condone psychological practices, and celebrities like to hop on the Scientology-wagon and then jump on couches).

Really, it all seems a little crazy and cult-like. However, before I totally made up my mind about the group, I decided I had to at least become more informed about what they are really all about. That's when I realized that it is almost impossible to find something written on Scientology that is impartial. There are either sites sponsored by the Church of Scientology that are obviously not going to bring up any problems with the religion, and there are sites extremely opposed to the religion and only talk about the negatives.

The site that comes closest to impartiality is definitely Wikipedia. Whoever wrote the article, at least brought up the church's denial of their stranger practices. But just for the sake of showing you something really interesting, here is a segment from the Wikipedia article that talks about advanced teachings that have supposedly leaked out of the church (although the church claims they have been taken out of context and distorted by the media and dissenters in order to make the group look bad). However, I'm not aware of a way that this could ever be in context and not still sound crazy:

"Xenu (sometimes Xemu) is introduced as an alien ruler of the "Galactic Confederacy" who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of people to Earth in spacecraft resembling Douglas DC-8 airliners, stacked them around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. Their souls then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living."

Say what?!

I'm not exactly a true-believer of everything in the Bible either, but Xenu and Friends goes FAR beyond the realms of belief suspension I can accomplish. If I have trouble believing that two of every animal on the earth sat on a giant boat for 40 days and didn't tear each other apart, the step in Scientology where I have to accept the teachings of the Galactic Confederacy might be a little tough for me too.

My other strike against Scientology is that the list of celebrities who have left the church includes one Charles Manson. You've got to be a little weary of a religion that is even too much for that guy to handle.

I still recommend you research it on your own though, and come to your own conclusions. You never know, maybe Xenu is for you.

Taking the Long Way

i haven't really had time to post lately, but there's been lots of fun stuff going on, like wedding showers, Boston visits, gym time, realtor meetings, volunteering, secret projects and job searching. if you don't know, kelly is moving out to chicago for the summer to perform in the newest tap show, Imagine Tap, and erin and i are moving with our friend jen. hopefully we are going to end up somwhere close to where we are now, but we have to be out by July 1, so the rush is on. add to that the fact that i am gone away the next two weekends, so trying to schedule job interviews and apartment viewings has become pretty crazy.

however, i did want to take the time to share my new song and promote the new Dixie Chicks album that it is from (the CD is great. and that's coming from a non-country music girl). the CD is called "Taking the Long Way," and the title track (actually called "The Long Way Around") is my new theme song. you can listen to a clip here ( and while you're there, check out "Lullaby", i am in LOVE with that song too). i'm also going to type the lyrics out. those of you who also graduated in '04 will appreciate verse four. i think we're all finally getting there in our lives, or at least one stage of whatever "there" is. whether it's marriage, jobs, degrees, moving to a better place, etc, none of us are taking the easy way. where would be the fun in that?

good luck to those of you who are going to be settling down soon and godspeed to those of you, who, like me, need (or will have) some more years of wandering.

don't worry loves. we will all make it.


The Long Way Around by the Dixie Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

it's a beautiful day

today i would like to mark an accomplishment for myself. spring is just around the corner and i am proud to announce that i made it through winter with hardly ANY problems (if you are unsure about what problems i'm referencing and why this is a big deal you should see my first post on this blog). i think this is an even bigger deal because i did it while being mainly unemployed and practically confined to my apartment AND i went to the gym. what's up now bitches?! haha.

i don't think weather-wise this winter was as bad as last year's in the fact that it didn't snow that much and it wasn't quite as bitter cold. however, it was still fucking gray and that is usually what does me in. not anymore. everything is mind over matter and what i've realized is that some situations can become better just by looking at them differently. and although she doesn't realize it, one of those attitude changes came about after a visit with my friend jess. she put something into perspective for me that helped me to get over the emotional roadblock i was stuck at regarding a part of my life and the people in it. i am grateful to her and to everyone else whose caring actions or words have inadvertently made me step back, take a look around and remember how lucky i am.

the sun is shining today and the temperature is getting warmer and the change of seasons has me so excited for all the things happening in the upcoming months. some things i am looking forward to that will most likely end up on this blog in some form or another are:

Coldplay concert
Wicked
Becky's wedding shower
Alicia's wedding shower
EC graduation
Becky's wedding
Imagine Tap (Kelly's tap show in Chicago)
Alicia's wedding

Also in the works, a new job, a new apartment and trips to Portland to see various peeps.

I may not be in L.A. this summer or out looking for America, but things will be great nonetheless.

lent update #2: minimize me

the other day i watched the anti-mcdonalds, pro-health documentary Supersize Me. i had added it to my netflicks list far before i decided to give up junk food for lent, but it couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. it's not that i really eat mcdonald's or any similar fast food that much. however, watching the film has definitely reinforced the idea that i should NEVER be eating mcdonalds, and that processed foods in general are unhealthy. it has me thinking that the extra expense to shop for food at whole foods markets may be worth it. kelly bought some stuff from there recently and when i looked at the ingredients on the cereal i could read and spell everything. no artificial flavors, preservatives or multi-syllabic chemical additives to be found. there is no contesting the idea that this must be better for us to eat.

it is the 19th day of lent and i have not eaten junk food. i have twice turned down "taco bell sunday" (erin's favorite day), ordered steamed chicken and broccoli and white rice for chinese and refused kelly's offers of fruitsnacks. i constantly drink water and have tried to up my exercise regimen, which can be the most difficult for me. unfortunately, i have not lost any weight. none. i have also not gained any, which i suppose is good, but i hope that my body has just been readjusting and i will soon see the results in the drop of the needle. if anything, i can say for sure that i FEEL better, and that, of course, is the most important thing and what will hopefully keep me going.


p.s. if you rent Super Size Me you have to watch one of the bonus features called "The Smoking Fry", you will never want to put McDonald's french fries in your body again.

tempus fugit

i cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last post. the passing of time just escapes me lately as i spend most of my days in my apartment, on my computer. and though i am being paid to sit in my bed and do work on said computer (so i should not complain), working from home does little for good human contact and gives me nothing interesting to write about. at this rate, i just need a couple kids and a husband and i'd be a desperate housewife.

think i'd prefer a boyfriend and a puppy.

i just thank god for a gym membership, roommates who alternate being home, and weekend visits that keep me sane. and someday soon, when i am getting up at 6am to put on business attire and take the T into the office, i will look back on this time and be envious of my sweatpant wardrobe and working-from-bed days. truly, i can't say that it's altogether a bad deal.

things i miss, and always will

as i feel like i'm transitioning into a new part of my life and moving farther away in time from many of the great moments i've had, i'd like to stop and take note of the things that were so amazing and impacted me so much that i still miss them when they pass through my mind. some of these things are fairly recent, while many go back even before high school. some are purely happy memories, while others are bitter-sweet in a way that their rememberence brings about a kind of sadness for their ending. all have the distinction of being tucked away in my heart forever, along with the people who are a part of them. if that is you, i hope you also remember and miss them too.

- monday night company class
- saturday night dinners
- hour long hugs
- movies and friendlys after work
- waynelovich cookouts
- stupid home-made radio shows like 13.4 AFNF
- choreographing dances in the basement
- 80s dance parties in the dorm room
- Checkers
- rainy car rides to nowhere
- maple syruping
- the final bow
- "Our next category is Senior Large Group Lyrical, please welcome studio code D, "Heal the Suffering." and "and the award is....an Ultimate Gold!"
- the smell of my Caboodle
- new X-Files fridays (and then sundays)
- christmas as a child (i.e. less shopping, no stress, lots of gifts, more magic)
- going to every meal at the dining hall as a huge group
- new school clothes shopping with mom
- "David Duchovny why won't you love me!?!! Why won't you love me?!?! Why won't you love me?!?!"........"lo siento."
- late nights/early mornings with the damn chirping birds
- secret car meeting
- tech rehearsals
- playing charades in the instrument room
- school crushes
- the bottom of the ocean in the Great Barrier Reef
- Nintendo world championships (in my basement of course)
- people watching/outfit critiques at the holyoke mall
- "Would you still be my friend if I looked like this?!"
- lake winnepesaki (still can't spell it)
- long talks about nothing and everything
- being naive enough to think things won't change (but knowing deep down they always do)

paracelsus or a three-toed sloth?

At times I almost dream
I too have spent a life the sages' way,
And tread once more familiar paths. Perchance
I perished in an arrogant self-reliance
Ages ago; and in that act a prayer
For one more chance went up so earnest, so
Instinct with better light let in by death,
That life was blotted out -- not so completely
But scattered wrecks enough of it remain,
Dim memories, as now, when once more seems
The goal in sight again.

-"Paracelsus," Robert Browning


during my freshman year of high school my english teacher was really into poetry and for one of our first assignments he made us read elizabeth barrett browning's "sonnets from the portuguese." while it seemed a daunting reading task for a 14-year-old who had yet to experience many of the emotions being expressed within the passages, i quickly took to the sonnets as well as the rest of the collection of poems within browning's book. the book i had bought i found at a used bookstore, and it also included other poems of both elizabeth and her husband robert browning. since then, i have had an affinity for this collection with its old binding and yellowed pages, and even after we had finished studying the sonnets in class i continued to read from the book every night before bed, trying to decipher the meanings of the poems (yes, i really am that big of a dork.).

one of robert's poems that i took a liking to is called "paracelsus" (1835) and is a long dramatic poem that i mostly did not understand at the time and still probably do not grasp entirely. it is written by browning to be a narrative from the famous 16th century chemist paracelsus, and focuses more on the mysticism surrounding his study of the natural world and his search for "sacred knowledge" than on strict facts of science. in paracelsus' day, science and alchemy were its own forms of magic that most people only understood as mystical practices anyway. the passage from "paracelsus" that i have quoted at the beginning of this entry deals with the idea of reincarnation or rebirth, and was the catalyst for my thoughts today.

back during the same time freshman year, an episode of the x-files aired called "the field where i died." (i know you're "surprised" that this has come around to me talking about my favorite show of all time, but try to stick with me here anyway.) this episode deals with the idea of past lives and reincarnation as a possible explanation for dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities) and the strong bonds people can feel with others whom they've barely just met: "souls come back together; different but always together, again and again to learn...evil returns as evil, but love, souls mate eternal" (mulder). while i knew that this was the hollywood romanticized version of some aspects of eastern religious beliefs, i couldn't help but be taken by it. something about the whole idea really captured my attention and made me think about rebirth and being able to hold on to things you had learned in another time, so as to hopefully not repeat the same mistakes.

in both the beginning and the end of the episode, there is a voiceover of mulder reciting what sounds like part of a poem. immediately following the episode, there was rumor that it had actually been written by david duchovny himself (not entirely a stretch for someone with a degree from princeton in english literature). however, to me it seemed familiar, and as i have never been one to just let something like that be, i did a search for the passage on the internet. i discovered that the poem was not only not written by duchovny, but that it was, in fact, the aforementioned passage from browning's "paracelsus" that i had so recently been reading.

well, since i was obsessed with all things x-files related, you can imagine that i was more than a little excited with this coincidence, and it fueled my interest in the episode's ideas even more. i think i can even remember writing something about it down in my diary, which is a pretty big deal since i wrote in there probably once a year, at most.

of course, high school happens, and with my busy schedule i didn't exactly stick with the pursuit of these ideas, nor would i have ever brought it up in conversation with my family or friends (i was enough of a dork already, philosophizing about reincarnation at the lunch table probably wouldn't have helped). however, i still continued to read the poetry of both brownings, and the book was even among one of the only ones i packed with me to bring to college my freshman year and every year after. even today, in the closet-sized bedroom of my apartment that can only fit the smallest bookshelf imaginable, in between the new media monopoly and mcluhan sits the old, navy-blue, clothbound book of "best known poems."

it has been a while since i thumbed through the book, but i never really forgot browning or the idea of reincarnation that sparked my interest; i just never actively researched the true nature of those beliefs. that is, until about two months ago when i began to study the ideas of buddhism in order to find another way to be spiritual besides the, so far, personally unfulfilling christianity of my upbringing. although, surprising, even once I started my research and came upon the buddhist beliefs about rebirth, i failed to remember and connect the ideas to my prior experience with both browning's poem and the x-files episode (yes, i forgot an x-files episode. i know, it's craziness.).

so today I came home from basically my last college course ever (!!!), sat down to watch tv and happened upon a rerun of that same thought-provoking episode. like before, i was fascinated with the ideas presented and recognized its, once again, timely appearance into my life. i know that to most of you it seems like i am reading far too much into these coincidences and that i am seeing what i want to see. but i have come to realize, maybe through my own life experiences and a little through my recent studies on buddhism, that more things in our life are connected than we realize and give credit to. if priests and nuns can get "callings" to study the word of god, can i not also see signs to point me towards the study of my own spiritual path?

maybe not. i don't know. maybe it doesn't have as much to do with the signs actually being there as me thinking that they might be. and maybe rebirth is a bunch of crap, but i don't see how faith in it is that much different than believing there is a beautiful place beyond life on earth. i also do not believe that i will possibly come back as a three-toed sloth in my next life (an idea buddhism does not teach either). i think that i just like something about the idea that parts of the energy and significant experiences that make us ourselves are not lost when we die, but come back to keep improving and learning until we are able to reach a state of perfect knowledge. in the end, to me, the implications of such a belief are the same as what i would consider to be the best message of christianity - lead a noble, balanced, moral life and you will be rewarded.

confucius say: amen.


At times I almost dream
I too have spent a life the sages' way,
And tread once more familiar paths. Perchance
I perished in an arrogant self-reliance
Ages ago; and in that act a prayer
For one more chance went up so earnest, so
Instinct with better light let in by death,
That life was blotted out -- not so completely
But scattered wrecks enough of it remain,
Dim memories, as now, when once more seems
The goal in sight again.

who let me major in criminal justice anyway?

it feels like i wrote this a lifetime ago, but it was really only back in March of 2004 during Criminal Justice Seminar. i had stream of consciousness on the brain.

sun through the window shines in squares on the floor through my mind into nothing but a feeling a longing a person a thought of a million pieces of slivered glass melted together in a mosaic of colors like a rainbow in the sky smiling over the ocean water caressing my body beneath the facade constructed with waves lapping the shore searching for freedom in the grains of sand between my toes healing the soul as they scratch like drugs in my veins elevating me above the darkness found between the squares of light in my life.

all these places feel like home

i know i said i was going to post pictures of the halloween party and i am, just not right now. sorry.

instead i'm going to talk about my trip to elmira (my alma mater) this past weekend. i went to visit one of my best friends, caryn (i don't know if you read this, but hi anyway), who is in her senior year. plus all the other crazy-ass-dancer-hos that i love and miss. it wasn't a super exciting visit as far as events go, but it was a great weekend with movies, dancing, chilling and even a lunch date with sara. =) excitement is over-rated anyway. i've found that some of the best days are those in which nothing important happens. they give you time to actually stop and realize how lucky you are.

something else i realized while at e.c. this time was that it isn't weird going back there anymore. all the previous times i've visited have resulted in many surreal moments that happen when i'm walking old paths toward my former apartment or the dance studio and i get the feeling as if i haven't left yet, that i still live there. it is a brief second of hallucinatory time travel in a brain that after four years is accustomed to seeing everything as a student, not a visitor. and in all the times i visited before this, i wished these were not just brief moments, but that i were back there. i wanted all my friends still in one place, i wanted the certainty of myself in the world of purple and gold, and most of all, i wanted the comfort of a place that feels like home.

it's not that i don't want some of those things still. (believe me, if i could build a complex that would house all of my favorite people from elmira college and beyond in one place, i would.) but this visit, while it made me miss the people i love and remember the times we had, didn't make me want to be back. instead, there was a peace in being there that i haven't felt before. i was comfortable with being a visitor, and when i left i didn't feel like i was leaving part of my heart behind (as it did so many other times since graduation day). i now realize that things won't ever be the same as they were while i was there, but that i can still enjoy just being where i was always so comfortable, so me. and although it may not be the place i live anymore, it will always be home.

be. it. ever. so.


.

random musings on the day

i heard a car accident happen today while i was on the bus coming back from class. i couldn't see it because it happened behind us and unlike school buses, there isn't a back window. all i know is that there was a screech of tires and a loud bang. it didn't sound like a bad accident but for some reason it gave me a chill and a feeling of unease. it's gone now, just took me by surprise at the time.


the new slew of supernatural/alien-related tv shows have NOTHING on the x-files. watch it in syndication. still the creepiest, most imaginative and intriguing series. plus, sometimes you get to see mulder in boxer-briefs. yummy.


gummi candy corn is the worst idea ever and paying 3.50 for a super small bag of it is really stupid.


unconsciously comparing your body type to that of every other girl in the room is probably an unhealthy habit. but still one that's hard to break.


reading "Helter Skelter" (book about the Manson murders and trial) is not that scary, until you realize your iPod has started playing "Don't Drink the Water". the creep factor tends to go up when your imagination gets a soundtrack.


i like my hair. i know, more random than the rest of the randomness, but i was just in the bathroom washing my hands and i had to share the thought i had. otherwise most of this post was going to be kind of a downer.

oh, well. just keep the david duchovny visual in your head and you'll feel better. i know i do.

procrastinating

i ran out of things to do to avoid my theory paper. so i thought, 'hey, why not make a blog!' and here i am.

first i guess i should explain the name of the blog. it obviously comes from the quote by albert camus that i wrote in the description, but as for what meaning it has in my life i will explain.

like a lot of people, i have found that winter is a hard time for me. winters in boston are incredibly cold, windy and the worst part, gray. as my idol lewis black aptly put it: "you wake up and it's the grayest day you've ever seen. and then next day it's even grayer!" i love lew.

but anyway, the gray days and the long nights = the blahs for me and i become a useless, listless, sad case, eating cookies and wallowing in coldplay, counting crows and radiohead. and while a day here and there of depressing music and introspection is not a bad thing, a few months is not so good. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that i get super depressed to the point where i close myself off from the world and don't want to live, i just get in a rut and i don't like it.

so as winter dragged to a close last year and spring finally seemed on its way, i realized what i had been doing to myself all winter. and now that i know what can happen i am determined to enter this winter fighting the blahs and reminding myself that i am responsible for the way i feel. no weather, no person, no music should be able to control my life so easily because overall things are good, i am lucky and to top it off, i now have the memory of 3 months L.A. sunshine to get me through.

so this will be a place where i can complain and share the shit if i want to and then be able to let it go. it will also be a place i can write and remember the good things in my life - the everyday random shit that makes my day, things my friends do for me and the great experiences i have. the things that always bring warmth and light into my life.

let it snow. let it snow. let it snow.