Ruined for Life

TV has ruined my life. Ok, that's an overstatement. Let me rephrase. TV has ruined my relationship expectations in the real world. It wasn't Disney and their happily-ever-after princesses or movies like Dirty Dancing and Titanic (bad example maybe) that created an idealized picture of a relationship in my head that will be hard to replicate. No, it was TV and its character relationships that have more than two hours to build and resolve. They grow and change over time like real couples would, except with perfect dialog and hair. We as the viewers become invested in these will they/won't they, McDreamy/McSteamy, Ross/Rachel relationships and find ourselves longing for something similar. However, in TV "will they?" always leads to "they will, and it's great", McDreamy vs. McSteamy is a non issue since they're both hot, and Ross and Rachel will always end up together. How can the real world compete?

I, myself was first ruined at a young and tender age - 13 to be exact. It was 1994, the year I began to watch The X-Files. Thus, it was also the year I added the word "platonic" to my vocabulary and began cutting pictures of David Duchovny out of magazines (no boy bands on this girl's wall). In The X-Files, Agent Mulder was often times moody, obsessed, self-centered and certifiably insane, but when it came to Scully he was usually at his best. Whether it was the tender touches of support he gave her that never begged to be anything else, the verbal sparring/innuendo between them that was usually more heated than most people's foreplay, or his travels to the literal end of the earth to save her, Mulder was someone to be admired.

And more than Mulder on his own, it was the two of them together that made the relationship admirable and desirable. It started as equals, partners, friends, and it just kept building. Yes, it's unrealistic in the way it portrayed two attractive people who obviously have feelings for each other waiting 7 years to act on them. However, it is playing out a deep emotional bond that we all would like to have with someone. It's what we try to find by going on awkward dates, hanging out in crowded bars, and signing up for Match.com. We are looking for the person that is our better half, respects us and loves us beyond anything else. Is it too much to ask for that person just be assigned to spy on us and debunk our work, showing up one day in our office and changing our lives forever? Yea, that's what I thought.

And don't even get me started on Bones and the Booth/Brennan relationship. They're like a less dysfunctional Mulder and Scully, if Mulder and Scully had fun and didn't avoid talking about emotionally charged subjects. I guess I must have a thing for tall, dark FBI agents too, because David Boreanaz makes my mouth water as Special Agent Booth. Especially when his character has no shirt on or says things like this (explaining why meaningless sex is crappy sex):

"Here we are. All of us are basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other. All searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places. Some, they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh, there's nobody out there for me.' But all of us, we keep trying over, and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, two people meet. And there's that spark. And yes Bones, he's handsome. And she's beautiful. And maybe that's all they see at first...But making love? Making. Love. That's when two people become one."

Seriously, who is this guy and where can I find one?

So, like I said, I'm ruined for life. It's hard for anyone to compare to the relationships I've grown up watching, and, honestly, it's not exactly fair for me to have such expectations. I guess I'll just have to wait to find my own unique life-defining relationship and maybe, just maybe, we can give those TV couples a run for their money.

Interested parties may apply below.

This 'Ship Should Sail.....Far Away.....Don't Ever Come Back.....Seriously.

Somehow (not really sure how) I just came across a shipper video on YouTube that focuses on the characters of Hermione Granger and Professor Snape from the Harry Potter books/films.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Ew! That is just gross and disturbing to think about. Also, it is illegal. Ick ick ick.

The worst part (yes, it gets worse) is that there are actually more of the same out there! Come on! How many people can there be that think a fictitious (let's also keep that in mind) 13 year old should have a relationship with a (also fictitious) disturbingly dark, spiteful old guy?! Apparently too many.

If you happen to be masochistic, here's a link to the video. And don't forget to check out the similar ones in the side bar. Yippee! I couldn't even watch the whole thing it creeped me out so much.

Let this be a lesson: Just because you know how to use iMovie, doesn't mean you should.

The Best Things in Life Are Free, Part Deux

Just in case you missed the memo....THE INTERNET IS AWESOME!
(If you were hoping for better commentary from a Boston University College of Communication alum on the state of media and communication in 2006, please remember that I have two jobs and no desire to think any more than necessary apart from them.)

So, my latest, greatest find in the arena of fabulous internet content is this site - http://allfg.alluc.org/cms/cms/. On here you can watch FREE episodes of your favorite TV shows - LOST, Grey's, Seinfeld, The Office, etc. Of course, my own personal favorite is The X-Files! Only seasons 1, 2 and some of 5 are up, which is random, but I'm not complaining.

A few down-sides to the site are - you will need Quicktime installed on your computer (easily acquired) and a fast internet connection (we have cable and an hour long episode uploads quickly and runs fine). The video quality also isn't exactly HD TV, but how much does it really matter when you're probably watching the episode for at least the 6th time (or is that just me)?

Lastly, I do not promote piracy or illegal downloading (especially of moves and television). This site provides strictly streaming video content (non-downloadable) and I did look into the legality of the content posted on the site. Apparently, like the free music download site I had recommended in an earlier post, the site manager is just acquiring the links to the content and listing them in one handy place for people to browse. Most of the videos link to external sites where the people who have uploaded them have had to (hopefully) prove their legal right to share the content.

So my advice: get while the gettins good. This may be like Napster (circa 2000) where the content is given free reign until someone realizes the money they are potentially losing and finds a better way to cash in.

If you need to find me, I will be retracing the beginnings of Mulder and Scully. Please leave your jokes about my giant dork status below.


P.S. Speaking of....congratulations go out to Gillian Anderson (aka Scully) on the birth of her son.

P.P.S. Congratulations also go out to David Duchovny for being hot.

a man in uniform

in honor of the opening day of baseball, i've posting a link to my favorite player ("not a bad piece of ash, huh? the bat. talking about the bat").

one thing (of many) my mom taught me was that there's just something about a man in uniform.

play b**l!!
(oh, crap. the fcc caught up with me.)

paracelsus or a three-toed sloth?

At times I almost dream
I too have spent a life the sages' way,
And tread once more familiar paths. Perchance
I perished in an arrogant self-reliance
Ages ago; and in that act a prayer
For one more chance went up so earnest, so
Instinct with better light let in by death,
That life was blotted out -- not so completely
But scattered wrecks enough of it remain,
Dim memories, as now, when once more seems
The goal in sight again.

-"Paracelsus," Robert Browning


during my freshman year of high school my english teacher was really into poetry and for one of our first assignments he made us read elizabeth barrett browning's "sonnets from the portuguese." while it seemed a daunting reading task for a 14-year-old who had yet to experience many of the emotions being expressed within the passages, i quickly took to the sonnets as well as the rest of the collection of poems within browning's book. the book i had bought i found at a used bookstore, and it also included other poems of both elizabeth and her husband robert browning. since then, i have had an affinity for this collection with its old binding and yellowed pages, and even after we had finished studying the sonnets in class i continued to read from the book every night before bed, trying to decipher the meanings of the poems (yes, i really am that big of a dork.).

one of robert's poems that i took a liking to is called "paracelsus" (1835) and is a long dramatic poem that i mostly did not understand at the time and still probably do not grasp entirely. it is written by browning to be a narrative from the famous 16th century chemist paracelsus, and focuses more on the mysticism surrounding his study of the natural world and his search for "sacred knowledge" than on strict facts of science. in paracelsus' day, science and alchemy were its own forms of magic that most people only understood as mystical practices anyway. the passage from "paracelsus" that i have quoted at the beginning of this entry deals with the idea of reincarnation or rebirth, and was the catalyst for my thoughts today.

back during the same time freshman year, an episode of the x-files aired called "the field where i died." (i know you're "surprised" that this has come around to me talking about my favorite show of all time, but try to stick with me here anyway.) this episode deals with the idea of past lives and reincarnation as a possible explanation for dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities) and the strong bonds people can feel with others whom they've barely just met: "souls come back together; different but always together, again and again to learn...evil returns as evil, but love, souls mate eternal" (mulder). while i knew that this was the hollywood romanticized version of some aspects of eastern religious beliefs, i couldn't help but be taken by it. something about the whole idea really captured my attention and made me think about rebirth and being able to hold on to things you had learned in another time, so as to hopefully not repeat the same mistakes.

in both the beginning and the end of the episode, there is a voiceover of mulder reciting what sounds like part of a poem. immediately following the episode, there was rumor that it had actually been written by david duchovny himself (not entirely a stretch for someone with a degree from princeton in english literature). however, to me it seemed familiar, and as i have never been one to just let something like that be, i did a search for the passage on the internet. i discovered that the poem was not only not written by duchovny, but that it was, in fact, the aforementioned passage from browning's "paracelsus" that i had so recently been reading.

well, since i was obsessed with all things x-files related, you can imagine that i was more than a little excited with this coincidence, and it fueled my interest in the episode's ideas even more. i think i can even remember writing something about it down in my diary, which is a pretty big deal since i wrote in there probably once a year, at most.

of course, high school happens, and with my busy schedule i didn't exactly stick with the pursuit of these ideas, nor would i have ever brought it up in conversation with my family or friends (i was enough of a dork already, philosophizing about reincarnation at the lunch table probably wouldn't have helped). however, i still continued to read the poetry of both brownings, and the book was even among one of the only ones i packed with me to bring to college my freshman year and every year after. even today, in the closet-sized bedroom of my apartment that can only fit the smallest bookshelf imaginable, in between the new media monopoly and mcluhan sits the old, navy-blue, clothbound book of "best known poems."

it has been a while since i thumbed through the book, but i never really forgot browning or the idea of reincarnation that sparked my interest; i just never actively researched the true nature of those beliefs. that is, until about two months ago when i began to study the ideas of buddhism in order to find another way to be spiritual besides the, so far, personally unfulfilling christianity of my upbringing. although, surprising, even once I started my research and came upon the buddhist beliefs about rebirth, i failed to remember and connect the ideas to my prior experience with both browning's poem and the x-files episode (yes, i forgot an x-files episode. i know, it's craziness.).

so today I came home from basically my last college course ever (!!!), sat down to watch tv and happened upon a rerun of that same thought-provoking episode. like before, i was fascinated with the ideas presented and recognized its, once again, timely appearance into my life. i know that to most of you it seems like i am reading far too much into these coincidences and that i am seeing what i want to see. but i have come to realize, maybe through my own life experiences and a little through my recent studies on buddhism, that more things in our life are connected than we realize and give credit to. if priests and nuns can get "callings" to study the word of god, can i not also see signs to point me towards the study of my own spiritual path?

maybe not. i don't know. maybe it doesn't have as much to do with the signs actually being there as me thinking that they might be. and maybe rebirth is a bunch of crap, but i don't see how faith in it is that much different than believing there is a beautiful place beyond life on earth. i also do not believe that i will possibly come back as a three-toed sloth in my next life (an idea buddhism does not teach either). i think that i just like something about the idea that parts of the energy and significant experiences that make us ourselves are not lost when we die, but come back to keep improving and learning until we are able to reach a state of perfect knowledge. in the end, to me, the implications of such a belief are the same as what i would consider to be the best message of christianity - lead a noble, balanced, moral life and you will be rewarded.

confucius say: amen.


At times I almost dream
I too have spent a life the sages' way,
And tread once more familiar paths. Perchance
I perished in an arrogant self-reliance
Ages ago; and in that act a prayer
For one more chance went up so earnest, so
Instinct with better light let in by death,
That life was blotted out -- not so completely
But scattered wrecks enough of it remain,
Dim memories, as now, when once more seems
The goal in sight again.

evil-allison: more sarcastic than the original........ you've been warned.

i have decided that i'm not going to check away messages when i'm bored anymore because those are minutes of my life that i can never get back. also, if i have to read one more lovey-dovey piece of crap written to someone's significant other i'm going to yak (or yack? whichever one doesn't mean a hairy llama-looking animal). and i know that's just the reaction i have because i am bitter about not having someone in my life to write about (HELLO i don't have a degree in psychology for nothing). but you know what? right now making fun of mushy couples makes me feel better about myself and i'm not afraid to admit it. so happy holidays and super early valentines day you fuckers. go find a bear-skin rug and sing "let it snow" or something. i give you all premission to make fun of me when i become a heart-melting mess, but until then, shut it.

p.s. those of you getting married, disregard this message. i don't hold anything against you or your happiness and, ironically (crap, i can't spell), you are the ones without the insessant IM declarations.

p.s.s. i really love all of u. soooo much. you are my <3s 4-eva.

haha. sorry, couldn't resist.



*this message brought to you by evil-allison: when good allison just won't do.



"What's waiting for us? Loneliness! And then 365 more shopping days til even MORE loneliness!" -Mulder, The X-Files, "The Ghosts Who Stole Christmas"