Ruined for Life

TV has ruined my life. Ok, that's an overstatement. Let me rephrase. TV has ruined my relationship expectations in the real world. It wasn't Disney and their happily-ever-after princesses or movies like Dirty Dancing and Titanic (bad example maybe) that created an idealized picture of a relationship in my head that will be hard to replicate. No, it was TV and its character relationships that have more than two hours to build and resolve. They grow and change over time like real couples would, except with perfect dialog and hair. We as the viewers become invested in these will they/won't they, McDreamy/McSteamy, Ross/Rachel relationships and find ourselves longing for something similar. However, in TV "will they?" always leads to "they will, and it's great", McDreamy vs. McSteamy is a non issue since they're both hot, and Ross and Rachel will always end up together. How can the real world compete?

I, myself was first ruined at a young and tender age - 13 to be exact. It was 1994, the year I began to watch The X-Files. Thus, it was also the year I added the word "platonic" to my vocabulary and began cutting pictures of David Duchovny out of magazines (no boy bands on this girl's wall). In The X-Files, Agent Mulder was often times moody, obsessed, self-centered and certifiably insane, but when it came to Scully he was usually at his best. Whether it was the tender touches of support he gave her that never begged to be anything else, the verbal sparring/innuendo between them that was usually more heated than most people's foreplay, or his travels to the literal end of the earth to save her, Mulder was someone to be admired.

And more than Mulder on his own, it was the two of them together that made the relationship admirable and desirable. It started as equals, partners, friends, and it just kept building. Yes, it's unrealistic in the way it portrayed two attractive people who obviously have feelings for each other waiting 7 years to act on them. However, it is playing out a deep emotional bond that we all would like to have with someone. It's what we try to find by going on awkward dates, hanging out in crowded bars, and signing up for Match.com. We are looking for the person that is our better half, respects us and loves us beyond anything else. Is it too much to ask for that person just be assigned to spy on us and debunk our work, showing up one day in our office and changing our lives forever? Yea, that's what I thought.

And don't even get me started on Bones and the Booth/Brennan relationship. They're like a less dysfunctional Mulder and Scully, if Mulder and Scully had fun and didn't avoid talking about emotionally charged subjects. I guess I must have a thing for tall, dark FBI agents too, because David Boreanaz makes my mouth water as Special Agent Booth. Especially when his character has no shirt on or says things like this (explaining why meaningless sex is crappy sex):

"Here we are. All of us are basically alone, separate creatures just circling each other. All searching for that slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places. Some, they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking 'Oh, there's nobody out there for me.' But all of us, we keep trying over, and over again. Why? Because every once in a while, two people meet. And there's that spark. And yes Bones, he's handsome. And she's beautiful. And maybe that's all they see at first...But making love? Making. Love. That's when two people become one."

Seriously, who is this guy and where can I find one?

So, like I said, I'm ruined for life. It's hard for anyone to compare to the relationships I've grown up watching, and, honestly, it's not exactly fair for me to have such expectations. I guess I'll just have to wait to find my own unique life-defining relationship and maybe, just maybe, we can give those TV couples a run for their money.

Interested parties may apply below.

Vegetarian Propaganda

While on my previous photo scavenger hunt for the piles of books in my house, I came across a book from my childhood that I hadn't opened for years. It's called A Child's First Book of Poems and I have such good memories of reading it with my parents as a kid. I have, in fact, on numerous recent occasions made reference to the best poem in this book about a puffin who is the shape of a muffin. Usually people look at me strange and go "who writes poetry about puffins?" Florence Page Jaques, that's who. So, for all of you doubters out there, the puffin poem does exist and I'm not just crazy. And it's still my favorite poem. So enjoy.

There Was Once a Puffin
Florence Page Jaques

Oh, there once was a Puffin
Just the shape of a muffin,
And he lived on an island
In the
bright
blue sea!

He ate little fishes,
That were most delicious,
And he had them for supper
And he
had
them
for tea.

But this poor little Puffin,
He couldn't play nothin',
For he hadn't anybody
To
play
with
at all.

So he sat on his island,
And he cried for awhile, and
He felt very lonely,
And he
felt
very small.

Then along came the fishes,
And they said, "If you wishes,
You can have us for playmates,
Instead
of
for
tea!"

So they now play together,
In all sorts of weather,
And the puffin eats pancakes,
Like you
and
like
me.


And for those of you who'd rather watch your poetry, here's a computer animation of the poem I found on YouTube - There Once Was a Puffin.

Think they have a support group for this?

Hi my name is Allison and I have a problem.

I am a book slut.

There, I said it. I can't go into a bookstore and just leave those books alone. They have to come home with me. Sometimes 3 or 4 at a time even! It's shameful. Especially when I think about how many are already waiting for me at home. Neglectfully unread. Pining away on their dusty shelves. Perfectly good books.

I just can't help myself, you know? And Borders is no help with their book club member discounts and Buy 1 Get 1 sales. Every corner of that store calls to me, "Paperback Favorites!" and "Hardcover Classics!", "Bestsellers!" and "Oprah's Book Club!". How can I resist those shiny covers lined up for my perusal. Offering themselves up to my waiting hands. They're just asking for it. Who am I to say no?

And don't even get me started on those used book stores. Each sad, worn, dog-eared paperback like a puppy in the pound. You know what happens to the ones you don't buy? I don't even want to think about where they end up. Probably on some poor 25 cent table at a church bazaar. Nestled right in between dirty kids toys and crochet Christmas ornaments. Unspeakable. I know I can't save every one of them, but I'll be damned if I don't try.

So call me what you will, but I love all my little guys, from "And Then There Were None" to "Wuthering Heights" and every one in between. And if loving them is wrong, I don't want to be write.


To illustrate the magnitude of my problem, I have photographed every place in my house I have stuffed books. Keep in mind that 1. I have moved home recently so most of them are packed in boxes, and 2. None of these belong to my mom.

The Blog is out There

I am now a contributing blogger to the site XFilesNews.com. You can check out my first blog here. And if you're a fan of The X-Files or just interested in information about the movie coming out this July, check out the rest of the site. It's a great news source for anything X.